Currently Under Reconstruction: Update from Charity Lee

Time again to be an open book…

May 2018

Dear Paris:

I have been writing this letter in my head ever since you called me on Ella’s birthday. I have written it angry. I have written it sad. I hope now I am writing it with love and self-preservation in mind.

Whether by mistake or choice, you twice crossed the one line I have consistently drawn in the quicksand of our relationship: don’t ever call me on the day you murdered your sister; don’t ever call me the day she was born.

You took everything else and have all my other days; these two days are mine.

I demand them.

Through everything, all the lies, all the violence, all the hate, all the madness created, it is all I have asked of you. I have always told you what I will and won’t do. I have always told you what I do and don’t think. I have told you which actions of yours disgust me and which make me proud, give me hope. I have always told you I love you and never I hate you. I could never hate you.

But I have never asked you for anything since you murdered Ella…nothing but to leave me alone on these two days. A day of death. A day of birth.

Alone. Blessedly, cursedly, free to do absolutely fucking nothing but to lose it or make the most of it as I see fit; to mourn or celebrate as I see fit, however slim the difference between the two isn’t.

Personally, I believe it honestly was a mistake, an oversight, on your part. I know you play chess better than that. I honestly believe it means so little to you, you just…forgot.

 

It’s been over a decade; a decade of you not caring about what you did to your sister, a decade of me loving you no matter what….over a decade…so you forget that it all, especially these two days, fucking matter, to me.

You forget that one time I told you the story of a friend of mine who once told me he considered indifference worse than hate, because at least hate has the same emotional value as love in terms of investment in another.

You are indifferent. There is truly little to no investment on your part there. For better or for worse, whatever the reasons may be, you really do not care for anything or anyone other than yourself.

Do you remember what I told you at your transfer hearing?

You have no power over me except for that which I give you out of love.

Here is what I tell you now. Remember it.

I no longer give you my power. You have no power over me.

You destroyed it creating me. I take it back to recreate myself.

I am tired of thinking about how everything I do or say may, or may not, help you or make you want to kill me. I am tired of reminding myself when you act more like Ella’s murderer than my son that you are my son, therefore I must not, shall not, cannot hate you. I am tired, so so tired, from loving the boy/man who murdered my daughter, the same one dealing with me now, predominately indifferent.

Be honest. You are also tired of me. For now. For over a decade you have sat across various tables, not only from your mother, but from the mother of your victim. You have fucked with her; tried to outmaneuver her; crush her in ways you did not think of originally when you picked up that knife in the kitchen.

Yet here she still is, spouting the same old bullshit, and not getting any easier to checkmate. So…

Stale mate.

I am on break. Neither of us is naive enough to believe this game will end in stalemate. At least we now both know who plays the black, the white, and where the grey begins.

Paris Lee, my child, I love you as immensely, intensely, and unconditionally as ever, but even you have to admit you are one hard child to love. Even you have to admit you are loved nonetheless.

Here is what I am capable of this ebb of our tempestuous relationship. Write me letters. You know how I am with them. October is still mine. No matter what. No more letters to Phoenix. As always, if you are in danger, raped, feeling remorse, call immediately and repeatedly. The phone will be maintained.

The fact I just had to put that in writing to my firstborn son shows why I need this break.

To the stars and back Paris Lee.

 

 

 

 

This Post Has 11 Comments

  1. Hello,
    I don’t remember hearing the story in the news and I live very close to where it happened, but maybe because I was too young. Anyways, I think your family needs much healing. I also think..Charity, you should stay away from your own mother. Don’t allow her to speak to or see Paris AND Phoenix. I’m not one to judge, but I feel like you still personally believe that she killed your father and based on how she was talking on the interview it sounds like she hinted that she did. Whether or not she did or didnt, that negativity does not need to be around the kids. Please keep her away while y’all heal. Also, I understand you still wanting to be there for Paris. He is and always will be YOUR child. Just remember to still have your guard up and protect Phoenix no matter what happens in the future. Prayers for your family and may Ella rest in paradise. Stay strong mama!
    -From one mama to another.

  2. My heart breaks for you Charity. I cant imagine the heartbreak you’ve had to endure. Your story has been on my heart now for a while so I just want you to know I have been praying for you and Paris. May God comfort you and hold Ella tight until you are reunited with her one day.

  3. I two suffered similar to you it was my grandmother who killed my baby sister she drowned her but I didn’t know until she did this that she had killed her son 20yrs earlier and had been realised but to me she was always perfect nana my mam never told us what she had done before but sadly my mam had to repay the price for her own mother killing her daughter so not only had my grandmother killed my uncle when he was 7 she came out and killed my mam 5month baby daughter all because she got released again mental health is a horrible illness and nobody wants to be born with it but like you we was devastated with losing our sister daughter but also kept in contact with our grandmother so my heart really goes out to you cause my man suffered for years of people because she kept in contact with her mother but unless so suffered these things nobody can judge what they would do send all my love and prayers and really hope that god help you through your hard times x

  4. I have been studying killers since I was 13. I am sorry to say this…..you cannot save him. He will not change. He is evil. I hope and pray he never gets out. God bless you and God bless Ella……and yes, God bless him too.

  5. you are one disgusting piece of work

    1. Well said

  6. First time ever leaving a reply on a website or writing an author, but just had to this time. What a moving letter Charity! I am born and raised In Texas so remember the tragic news of Ella well. I commend you for your endless dedication to both of your children, but obviously especially to Paris. I know you have been writing and a book will be coming but just wanted to say, or suggest, that you try some poetry. There isn’t as much commercial payout, but it can be surprisingly cathartic. You have a true talent at articulating the unimaginable tug-of-war you must find yourself in and do so with a voice that reflects such intelligence and immense self-awareness. Thank you for sharing.

  7. Have you tried Jesus Charity? Jesus can heal your broken heart, if u let him. Praying for y’all

  8. Good for you Charity! Incredibly hard to be you but respect your feelings. I think that a nice, long, maybe forever break is exactly what you need. Phoenix should never have to see Paris or read his letters or hear his voice. I believe you will both be in danger should he get out! Please find your own way without the involvement of your mother as well! She is just as unaffected, uncaring, and manipulative as Paris. May God bless you with strength and courage to remove yourself from these toxic relationships, once and for all!

  9. Beautifully written.

  10. You’re on my mind today, Charity. Just an fyi…

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